Festive time and New Years Eve usually make us ponder more about life, we pause and we think about the year past. I felt that way this year too. I spent Christmas at home in Poland and I could not refrain from reflecting on the year gone. Do not get me wrong I think there is so much value in revisiting the experiences you had. I actually wrote a list of what I achieved last year and it put a smile on my face as so many dreams came true. I also took down my vision board and put it on the table. While I was coming to sit on the sofa, I accidentally hit my knee against the glass table and the pain was excruciating to the extent that it made me cry. So here I was sitting and looking at my 2017 vision board, crying because of the pain and it hit me: I was not merely sobbing due to the physical pain, it was also due to all those images that has not come into my reality yet. The feeling of not being good enough came back to me, the feeling of loneliness appeared, the feeling of being judged emerged. I scolded myself. I felt like I was wrapped in quite a blanket of emotions and it brought me to my knees. I wished there was a quick fix to that miserable state of being. Who does not want a magic pill to get over all those negative emotions faster, right? But hey, life is not about shortcuts nor ready made remedies. Instead of going into the pity party mode ( that used to be me ages ago), I took some deep breaths in ( I have learned the Wim Hof breathing technique – I will share my experience about that in other post) and stopped at every single image on my vision board that has not showed up yet. Not only had I noticed that I made such great expectations of myself but I also came to a greater realisation: I did not take a consistent action in order to achieve them. I actually quit half way on some of my desires, I gave up and the reason for that appeared suddenly as well. I was scared to change direction of my life ( even tough the images on vision board were showing that it was something I dreamt about) as it meant going into unknown and being vulnerable as never before should my dreams come true. That fear of being seen as I am, the fear of being judged has been hanging in there, stopping me from celebrating dreams now. What struck me even more was that I looked up to others for acceptance, for approval that it was alright for me to grow. Even my body has been giving me signs that I was stamping my feet in the same place as the pain in my joints got worse. It became clear to me that my mind has been affecting the way I feel physically too.
So today, as I was wiping the tears crawling on my cheeks, still feeling that I failed myself, I wrote a permission slip to myself: “Every day as I wake up, I accept myself the way I am and I accept the way I feel and I move forward slowly yet steadily. I also did a short meditation as I felt like it was the best thing I could do. Afterwards, I picked one desire I would like to come to fruition this year and I took one small step towards it. I sent one email I was contemplating for so long. Did it scare me? Yes. Did it excite me? Hell, yeah. And it did liberate me from the handcuffs of fear of being visible. The relief I feel now is so immense. Mistakes, failures, fears – they do not define you or me!
What I would like you to get from my today’s experience is this: when facing unpleasant circumstances, when you feel lost or broken, when you feel depressed, not good enough, please do not feel bad because you are experiencing all those negative emotions, do not hide them and pretend they did not make you feel miserable or cranky or anxious. Do not sweep them under the carpet. Instead make them your allies as they are the moments in life you grow, and take a small step to achieve your goals or improve your circumstances. Please remember, every time you reach a low point in life, embrace it, surrender to it and accept it (acceptance does miracles) as from LOW there is only one way: UP! and you have time to get there!
Happy New and Zesty Year Folks
2018 – Year of self acceptance and more visibility for me.
I raise a glass of kombucha to learn to raise above any challenges in 2018
What about you? What is 2018 going to be about for you?
Light and Hugs from Me
January 3, 2018